Stewart T Squirrel

Well hello there! I'm Stewart....Stewart T. Squirrel, but if you like, you can call me Stew. All my friends do. Very pleased to meet ya'. This is a little odd, but I'm talking to you all from the grave. I don't understand exactly how this is happening, but take my word for it. Weird, eh? I'd like to share with you all a little story from my last days there on earth...and maybe even a little beyond that.

My year begins as they all do, with me coming out of hibernation. With three months of sleep behind me you'd expect me to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (literally), but more than anything else, I was hungry. Famished. There are no nuts in the trees this time of the year, but being the genius squirrel that I am, all I need do is dig up the ones I'd buried last fall. Um...so, does anybody know just where I had done that? Nope? Dang, thanks anyway. I’ll just start poking around….nothing here, ooh, that smells familiar! Yes, score! An acorn right where I buried it last November! Ah, so good. Now where is the next tidbit? I need to eat. My skin is hanging off of my bones like a suit two sizes too large. I search around for a couple of hours, sometimes finding food, sometimes not. Finally finding enough to sate myself. Burp. I got my furry little tummy filled, and I’m going to get a good night’s sleep.

The next day dawns bright, sunny, and chilly. Good thing I’m wearing this fur coat. I stretch, yawn, and once again begin my search for stores of food I'd squirreled away last fall. (Get it? "Squirreled" away? I crack myself up.) I find enough to fill my tummy again, and now I'll just bask in this sunshine and enjoy the day. Yawn...maybe catch a nap.

What's that? I hear a commotion up the road a ways, and stand up to see what it is. It looks like it must be a group of those contraptions that my city cousins always talk about on their Constitution Trail. (I think they call those things "bikes", or "bicycles.") My cousins love to play a game they call "Scare the Humans" with these. Apparently seeing one of us in their way can throw humans into a panic when we get near their contraptions. I've wanted to try this game, but out here on Rodent Road, we don't see a lot of that type of traffic. Mostly tractors and farm trucks. This will be my first experience playing, I'm so excited!

I lie in wait on the roadside, hiding behind a tuft of grass until the group gets close. There appears to be about six of them, but I didn't realize how big they are! They are behemoths, towering at least seven squirrels tall. Gulp, they seem a bit intimidating. Oh well, my cousins say this is fun, so here goes nothing! The group gets near, and I scurry to the side of the road a little timidly at first, but determined to join the fun.

As they approach, I zip out into the road, ready to play. They bear down at me at an insane pace, I didn't expect that! My cousins said that on the trail they go rather slowly. That's okay, I'm pretty quick, and not afraid. As I cross in front of the leader, he seems to recognize me, calling my last name out loudly, "Squirrel!" (Or maybe he's mistaken me for one of my cousins, we do all look alike.) I sit up on my back legs and wave to him before diving into the pack of riders. Zigging and zagging, turning left and right, stopping and starting, I snake my way through them. OMG, my cousin is right, this is so much fun, exhilarating, my heart strains to keep up with my legs as I twist and turn my way between the humans. Gasping for air I near the end of the pack and decide to have a quick look at the last of these things. I slow, turn right for a better view, and NOOOO!!! These humans are going much faster than I realized, and one of those little wires on the wheels catches my leg and pulls me in. I'm lifted off the ground and propelled toward a pair of tubes that attach the wheel to the contraption. I can see that I will not fit between them, and I duck my head for the impact. Bam, I hit both tubes simultaneously and my body is folded in half. Intense pain, and then...nothing. I'm aware of what's happening, but I feel nothing, and have no control over my body. Not to be cliché, but it's like I'm floating above, watching over what's happening. This is a little surreal. I think I should be headed to squirrel heaven, but I'm suspended in some sort of limbo. Is this the price I pay for having stolen nuts from other squirrels?

My body is ejected from that contraption and tossed onto the roadside like a walnut hull. I see the human who was on that thing is thrown to the road also, but he is alive and able to move. His companions tend to him, while ignoring me. "Hey guys, a little help here" I think, but am unable to vocalize. One of the injured human's friends soon arrives in one of those metal cages that they drive up and down the road, and takes him away. The others all ride off, leaving poor little me just lying there. What is to become of me I wonder?

Abandoned on the road. Now what. After a time, the same human who picked up the injured person comes back and picks my lifeless body from the roadside. Ah, I think, maybe he didn't have room in his cage for both of us injured parties at the same time. He takes me to a big building that I can only assume is a hospital. I'm laid out on a table, and he gets out a large knife. Finally, someone is tending to my injuries. He starts with a long incision, and then....he pulls my skin off completely! What the??? With a crazed glint in his eye he then guts me and seals me away in a bag. Right about now I'm happy to be dead, this would be most uncomfortable otherwise. The plastic bag with my body is deposited in some large white box and the door is closed behind me. Darkness...and now cold. Colder and colder I become, until it's like hibernation for me again. Everything fades to black...

Some time has passed I feel, and I'm slowly warming up. I still am conscious, but unable to move. The warmth is feeling glorious, like a spring morning, but the lighting is all wrong. I can sense food near me. Mmmm, veggies and seasoning all in a warm bath. We squirrels don't generally care much for soup (because we can't use a spoon), but this smells delicious! I'm famished, but am unable to move what is left of myself over to enjoy this feast. The human who rescued me from the roadside must sense this, as he picks me up...and drops my entire body into this concoction? Something else is being added too. Andouille sausage? Are you kidding me? Don't you know I'm strictly vegan! Give me some nuts, berries, seeds, corn, even twigs and grasses, please. Meat? Ugh....ptooie. Ah, just as well, I'm obviously not capable of eating anyway.

The day is spent in this relaxing warm bath, until I sense something else being warmed up next to me. Some kind of white grain, I think I might have enjoyed this back when I was still alive. A few minutes later both containers are loaded into the human's road cage, along with another of those contraptions that the humans ride down the road. Now I'm very curious about what is going on. We travel a short while, and he unloads the riding device, and I see a whole tribe of other humans meeting here with their riding contraptions. These poor creatures must be colorblind, and blissfully unaware of the garish hues they sported on their clothing. It was almost as bad as those other humans who play in the grass, chasing little white balls and hitting those balls with sticks!

All these people in their brightly colored outfits mounted their bikes and disappeared down the road. Just a few minutes later I see them, as one by one they fly past in the opposite direction. Wait a second, one of those people riding his contraption looks just like the guy I crashed with! “Long time, no see” I call out...or I try to, before I remember that I’m dead. It gets quiet for a while as I sit in this human cage waiting...for what, I don't know. After a bit the humans straggle back into their meeting place, looking tired and sweaty. Many of them open bottles or cans of some drink that seems to relax them, and they all mingle around chatting. The person who "rescued" me takes the two containers out of his cage and sets them in the middle of the group. He tells all of the others to dig in, calling it "gumbo." The one with whom I shared the crash months ago is the first to sample, as I slowly realize what is going on here. With a maniacal grin, he spoons some of the white grain (or rice) into a bowl, and proceeds to ladle some of the gumbo over that. These animals intend to eat my carcass! The horrors!

My world slowly fades to black now as I meet my ultimate fate...dinner for a bunch of humans. Goodbye, cruel world.