...It's My Funeral...

It's My Funeral

Don't let me alarm you. No, I’m not dying. Not any more than any of you reading this now are, anyway. Well, of course I’ll die at some point in my life, if that makes any sense at all. I mean, we all will pass on at some time, right? Life ultimately and inevitably leads to death, but no, I didn’t get some bad news from the doctor. In fact, I’m in pretty decent health. However, I’m at the age where I see more people at (or close to) my age meeting their ultimate demise...I have of late been known to scan the obituaries in the paper, and while I rarely see a familiar name, it seems that my age (56 as of this writing) is nearing the mean age of death.

So many times I've heard it said "he (or she) died doing what he loved." As if it's a good thing to have one's very existence ripped away while in the throes of something that defines what that person is. No. I'd rather not go out on my bike. It seems like that could be a violent, pain-filled, horrific ending. If given a choice, I think I would prefer a more peaceful, pleasant passing. Either peacefully going to sleep one evening and never waking up, or maybe, after an excursion on a bike, while sitting outside with good friends watching the sun setting, enjoying a Modus, just quietly ceasing to live. I fully realize the self-centered implications of those scenarios, the trauma to my loved ones who have the misfortune to either be there, or to discover my demise. My apologies in advance if this is how I leave you all and you happen to be one of the unfortunates in attendance, nothing personal.

So, now that I'm figuratively deceased, it's time to discuss my funeral. Let's put the "fun" back in funeral. I can't say that I care where this occurs, be it a church, funeral home, or whatever, but I'd like it to be at some place that allows a person to enjoy a beer. Good beer. Anything with "Lite" or "Light" (or any other variation thereof) on the label is strictly forbidden. No open casket...in fact, no casket at all. Cremate my remains (after harvesting any organs I haven't completely worn out), and dispose of the ashes...um, you know what? I've not given any thought what to do with my ashes, I'll have to give that some consideration, I'll get back to you on that. (I kinda envision a scene similar to the one late in The Big Lebowski where Donny's ashes are let loose to blow in the wind.) Back to the funeral plans. I've attended several funeral services where the officiate obviously knew little to nothing of the deceased, I assume this will be the case at mine. So, if you happen to attend my service (and seriously, who wouldn't want to) and the minister/funeral director or whoever makes mention of me now being in a "better place", please, look at the person in the seat next to yours and roll your eyes. I personally do not believe in an afterlife, and honestly, with all of you wonderful friends and family here what place could possibly be better? Music: Please, no dreary dirges, no Bach organ music. If music must be played, play what I like. After all, it's my party. Classic rock, a little punk, and if you insist on sad songs, try some selections from Lou Reed's "Magic And Loss". Speakers: I want nobody to feel any pressure to get up in front of you all, I'd prefer you all just enjoy some conversation, just as we all did when I was still around. And please, no tears. Be happy, think back to all the good times, not ahead to my absence. Your lives will continue to move forward, and my wish for you is to enjoy every minute as much as possible.

I feel that there really ought to be a dress-code at the send-off. Please, dress as I knew you best. If I'd most likely think of you in spandex, feel free to dress accordingly. Shorts, T-shirt, and flip-flops? Entirely acceptable, perhaps even encouraged. Shirt, tie, and coat? Black dress? I can’t think of a single one of you I see wearing such a get-up. I wouldn’t recognize you, so please, keep it informal.

On the morning of these services I think a bike ride is in order (weather permitting, of course). It need not be too long, but it ought to include a stop at Kemp’s for some refreshment. A pint of the finest IPA should be placed on the bar for me, to keep the memory of me going for a bit. Smile, laugh, joke, sweat, curse. This is how I remember our time together, and this is how I want you to remember me.

Now, about those ashes. To be honest, I will never know how you dispose of what is left of me, so you may do as you please. Separate me into several bits so you can deposit me in multiple locations if it suits you. A few quick, non-binding suggestions, if I may though. I love the Colorado Rockies, and while I’ve only been once, the Florida Keys are another favorite destination. Closer to home, an event I poured a ton of my time into for four years and now enjoy on a near-weekly basis, Tuesday Night Time Trials could be a suitable site for some remains. I'll let you come up with any additional suitable locations, be creative, I am!

So now you all know what my not-dying wishes are, let's hear what some of your thoughts are. As always, thanks for reading, and thanks for being a part of my world.

PS. Now that I've reread this, don't be surprised if I give you a hug when I see you, you just never know how many more chances you have to see one another.